I have been married to this girls father for 28 years. She was 17 when we married. And most of the time she has sent me a card on Mothers Day. But, last year she did not even call. I am only 15 yrs. older than she is but up until last year she sent me a card and always called. She always comes over for Fathers Day and gives her Dad a gift but never has given me one. I did not mind this because I realize I did not raise her and am not her mother. But, I thought it was nice of her to send me a card and call me on Mothers Day. The gesture was very thoughtful.
However last year she did not send a card or even call. Her father asked her why she did not at least acknowledge it with a phone call. She told him that I was not her mother and that she did not have to acknowldge it if she did not want to. He asked her to do him a favor and at least call me. And she refused to honor his request. Even though she is a grown woman, we wonder if it insulted her mother to send me a card or call?
Do You Think A Step Daughter Should Acknowledge Her Step Mother on Mothers Day?
I think it is kind of rude to send you cards and call you all these years and then stop. I do not agree that Children should not recognize their step parents on these holidays. I am sure as long as you have been married to her father, you have been like a mother figure to her.
I think out of respect for her father if for no other reason she could at leas call or send a card. It sounds like she may be punishing you because she is upset with her dad for saying something to her. But, I admire him for not letting her get away with being so inconsiderate. You can believe her mother probably had something to do with it. They usually do.
I ave an adult step daughter and she has her ways of getting her digs in but not that openly and obvious. Mine would have denied that she had done anything wrong. But, my sons treats my husband as well as he does his father. And both our children were grown when we married.
I asked my husband what he thought about it and he said he would not allow his daugher to do that to me. He said if they could not recognize Mothers Day after all we have done for them, then they might as well not recognize Fathers Day either. We both think it was rude and inconsiderate. But, it seems girls are often more jealous than boys too.
Many people do not understand it is not so much the card or the call as it is the stab in the back. It is just not proper for her to act that way at her age. But, I have been slighted by my step daughter in other ways. The can be very conniving if you know what I mean. Don't let is bother you, she will be the loser.
Reply:My opinion in this matter is this: I will wish anyone who is a Mother a happy mothers day. However, I do not agree that you should go overboard and send cards, buy gifts, do special things for someone who is NOT your mother. The day is called 'MOTHERS DAY". It is not friend mother day, it is not grandmothers day, it is not aunt day, it is not boyfriends mothers day! Get my point? Honor your own mother on Mothers Day. Don't be rude, be kind in explaining if you have to.
Reply:i dont really think you should make a huge deal about it, i mean i think maybe she just heard something from someone that made her think, or maybe she had a change of thought. But try not to worry, im sure she loves you really
Reply:I think it has more to do with her relationship with you than with her mother. She doesn't have to call you Mom. She doesn't have to recognize you on Mother's Day, especially if she doesn't feel like there is a maternal relationship there. There probably isn't, since you're only 15 years older and she was a late teen when you married her father.
Don't turn Mother's Day into a battle. It doesn't sound like you're a mother to her.
Reply:it all depends on the relationship... it's situational... in some cases yes, and others no
Reply:I think a step daughter should acknoledge her step mother on mothers day. But frankly it's her choice... I bet some people don't even send there mother things on mothers day. Unless her real mother has somthing against you, I don't see why she would be insulted. Did your stepdaughter have a recent argument with you? There could be tones of reasons why she didnt send you anything.Maybe you should leave it alone and just accept it, some people (even grown women) go through hard times when their parents are divorced. Perhaps it's just starting to catch up with her now.
Reply:You need to focus on the most important things that you said "I did not raise her and I am not her mother. But, I thought it was nice of her to send me a card and call me on Mothers Day. The gesture was very thoughtful."
That's right, it was very nice and thoughtful of her. It was not something that she had to do. You should appreciate the gesture when she makes it. She is not obligated. She should not be looked down on when she doesn't go out of her way to make a gesture.
The one year she didn't call or send a card, your husband reprimands her. He shouldn't have done that. He has now told her she is wrong that she didn't do something that she doesn't have to do. Its like she is being scolded because in the past she went out of her way. Instead of her past efforts being appreciated, she is getting grief for the time she doesn't go out of her way.
The fact that your husband called her and reprimanded her and told her to call you, made it into a bad situation. I'm sure that the conversation upset her and she now doesn't feel like her efforts in the past were appreciated as the way they should have been and acknowledged as going above and beyond what she needed to do. There is a very good chance that she will never again make this gesture because of what transpired.
You are suppose to appreciate when people do nice things for you. You are not suppose to expect them and then get upset when the nice thing doesn't happen. And you most certainly don't go after the person for not going out of their way.
Reply:I think it's up to the step-child to make the acknowledgment or not, whatever makes them comfortable. I'm a step-daughter and step-mom and each holiday is a hit or miss when it comes to my step-kids doing 'mom' things for me.
As a step-daughter I treat my step-father like a dad but do not talk with my step-mother at all given my poor relationship with my birth-father. So each situation is different.
Since she previously sent cards and has stopped, it might just be that she feels awkward about the situation or she probably just forgot this year. You already made a big deal out of it because her dad asked about it and tried to force her into calling, but if that hadn't happened she might have started up sending cards the next year.
Let it be and relate to her just as if nothing has changed. You might even have your hubby apologize for trying to force the issue. Step-relationships sometimes seem tenuous and delicate.
Good luck!
Reply:So..she is 45? she was 17 when 28 years ago you married her Dad.....right?
You, of all women your age, knows perfectly well how a woman is after the famous 30? 40?.right? women don't give a damn about what other people think, they have become foxes....and they don't care much about the world's opinnions...right? you have been there.....you know this.
Or maybe, have you tought about, that maybe she is having a hard time right know and the last thing she will think is "call you or sending you" something???????????????????
Leave her alone, if she is a mother, have you done the same for her? have congratulate her? have send her flowers and a card and a gift?????????
Let her do what she wants to do and don't whine to your husband...you know better than that! he should not be involved in stuff like this.....now, I bet that after Dad spoke to her about this.................you are in a worse situation, now.
This year, do something, so you guys can be in the right way again.......remember, all roads have 2 ways..not only one.
Reply:If I had a step mother, I might feel some resistance to her. But your step-daughter is very wonderful to acknoledge you. I'm only 12, but I think it might be that now she's on her own, her mother might be talking to her about how she doesn't approve of her sending you a card. You are technically a motherly figure, yet you came into her life when she was still in high school. Teens are the most confusing beigns on our earth. It could be that when she did send you cards and stuff, she was living with you acnd your husband, and that gave her no choice; now that she's on her own she might think that she's free and begin to think about her resentment toward you. Were you two close? Did you play role of evil step mother? I think it would be sweet to send my step mother a mothers day card, even if I didn't like her, but that's me. Try to have a talk with your step daughter and see whats up. If you did something wrong. Did you miss a significant day in her life? A birthday, anniversery? How old is your step daughter now? Answer these questions and e-mail me at always_second_best23@yahoo.com
Reply:I too am a step mother,of two daughters,and a son. the two daughters love me and show it all year long, but their mother is dead and mothers day is very hard on them. So I do not expect anything at all from them on that day .as that day should be devoted to their Mom.the one who gave them life. But the son, loves me as much as my own children do. he tells me
Mom I am so lucky God gave you to me, So, don't feel bad.
some kids, can handle things better than others. God bless .
Reply:This is touch and go. I won't lie, I'm not real crazy about my stepmother. It's not that I'm upset my father moved on; I know things can't work between my parents, and I accept it. And with my having a life of my own, it don't affect me really unless it's the holidays, because it means dividing time. But I'm grateful my parents became good friends and still look after each other ( closer as friends than they were as spouse). I would love it if my mother got involved with someone, but she's happy alone, and I respect it.
My stepmother did not come into my life until I was 20. I love her, but I kind of don't like her because she does not respect my right to my privacy as an adult ( if she wants to know something, she wants to know something!) and she knitpicks my clothes a lot and stuff.
But I at least call her, if nothing else. She is with my dad, so technically, she is my mother. There is more to being a parent than whether or not someone gave birth to you. I feel like it would not be fair to not acknowledge that she's my mother just because I was an adult when she came in my life. She may drive me crazy a lot of the time, but she is there for me pretty much if I need her.
But, I guess if your stepdaughter chooses not to acknowledge Mother's Day, there is not really anything you or her dad can do. Then, there's the fact you're only 15 years elder than her, so you're not old enough to be her mother.
But my heart does go out to you, though! (((((MOON PIE))))
Reply:Don't make a big deal out of it, maybe she forgot and now she feels pressured. She doesn't owe it to you, she was grown when you married her father. It is nice to be acknowledged but if you have to ask for it, its not so nice. I am 45 and sometimes I send my step-dad cards and sometimes I don't. He didn't raise me, so there is not a close bond there. I cannot beleive your husband asked her to call you.
Reply:this is tough
Because ALOT of the time when things like this happen
its because the mother on the other end( or vise versa if you were a guy and if it was for fathers day)
say something to make the daughter/son feel guilty for doing it
try not to let it bug you unless if you have done something to make her upset
or if she starts acting very rude towards you
but also think
do you give her and her dad some alone time when they do see eachother
Because maybe since shes older she feels as if hes with you more and not spedning enough 1 on 1 time with her.
it doesnt hurt to talk to her about it, if she comfortable with it
Reply:Don't take it too bad. you became her step mom when she was practicaly an adult, so perhaps she feels that you don't share as many things as a mother and daughter do, and do not have the same strong bond.
otherwise, she may just have had a bad day or week or month or was going through a rough time and she just took it out on you...
Reply:well speakign from experience on this i do at least call my step mom i dont' care for ehr but i try my best to be respectful and tactful for my dads sake at least and i acknowlodge ehr because if i dont' she throws a fit and gripes to my dad but aht is besides the point i think yoru step daughter should only because it is respectful to you and it shows her dad that she is at least respectful towards his wife hope this helps good luck and keep up the good work
Reply:Sounds like something has changed on her end. Perhaps her mom didn't like the idea of her sending you a card. Worse thing your husband could do would be to make her feel guilty or request that she call you. She will come around, may take some time, but she will. Be patient and have some faith in her.
Reply:I think the Step mother should take it easy on the step daughter .The fact that you are her STEP is a big deal to the step Daughter not to offend her real mother .To be honest my grown children have a Step mother and they don't acknowledge her on mother's day nor do they acknowledge my now husband on father's day .Although they do on their birthdays and Christmas give them gifts.Blended families don't always go the way we want them to but somehow they seem in time to go OK.It really depends on both the step Children and the step parents to try to find common ground to which to build a foundation.
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