I feel guilty saying no to my adult son and i feel so depressed?

My son is 27, hasnt worked for years and lives with his girlfriend. In the past year i have given him about a thousand pounds for various things including rent arrears, paying fines, food etc .


He asked me for more money (a few hundred) recently and i said no and i feel so bad. he knows i have the money because i recently sold my house but i feel that when i do give him it he never leaves me alone and i am sick of it.





i have helped him get on his feet again and feel that i have done my bit and he should get on with it. Am i being hard? If i didnt have the money i wouldnt feel so bad but he dosnt realise that i am having to buy another house as my partner and i are not getting on. I dont want to tell him this though.





it acutally just adds to the stress and i already feel so depressed and dread when he phones me or text. I never get so much as a birthday or mothers day card from him!





What do you think?

I feel guilty saying no to my adult son and i feel so depressed?
Well .. you don't have to feel guilty.. it is your son who should have felt that way...


In my personal experience and opinion.. what he is doing can be nothing more than "Emotional Blackmailing" .. he knows you are sensitive.. and it is not helping him.. the way you are going ahead.. Sorry.. if I am hurting.. but you are not allowing him to face the realities.. Never mind what happens.. let him get out of dependency and learn to be self dependent.. let him feel the necessity to work and earn.... Look at the things as a third party.. and you will understand what i mean..


He is not 27months old baby but 27years old grown up man.. living with his girlfriend.. and still you feel guilty to say no..


It will be much bett4er if you learn to say "NO"... just "NO" .. no explanations.. no reasons.. No sentiments.. He is supposed to be looking after you now.. and How Long do you think you will keep doing this..


It is high time you learn this.. or it may be too late... what you say is helping your son... may prove to be opposite..it is not helping.. it is helping to make him dependent and useless.. Doesn not matter how much he earns.. he has to learn.. and before that you have to learn and practice.. One day at a time.. "Don't Borrow .. Donot Expect .. and DONOT give.." if you want him to become fit and strong to be able to stand on his feet... with his own efforts.. not holding your finger.. it is time let him walk.. he may stumble.. fall and he will get up.. this is human instinct.. love of life and desire to survive.. and let him love to survive at his own..


You are simply punishing yourself for something which yoiur son is doing.. ? is it right.. ? Ask yourself in silent moments.. ? Let him learn that he is responsible for whatever situation he is facing.. and not you .. and try to understand this fact.. Choice is yours.. not of your Son.. make it now..
Reply:Hello Sir,





I understand how you feel.. and i am a Radio DJ for the local radio station and i do my own 'Help Show'





I have had this problem come up before.. and the answer was that you should talk to your son ask him if everything is alright finacialy.. when you know its not.. say then you should get a job..





You need to help him, but when he askes you for money i would say NO!





and tell him that he needs to get a job first..





I hope this helps. and i would like to know how it goes...





Thanks





Lee
Reply:I think all parents want to help their children, but you have to try to think in the long run. In the long run if you keep helping him and he doesn't consider your loans to be loans, and never intends on repaying them, he's not learning good lessons in life. You can't always be there for him, and if you just keep giving him money, he can't ever learn otherwise. You can try to help him out by trying to introduce new options and opportunities for him, but stop giving him money. He's old enough to find a living for himself. Frankly I'm surprised he has a girlfriend.
Reply:He needs to get his *** in gear is what needs to happen.
Reply:if you do not tell him no NOW the next thing is everything wrong in his life is your problem wrong tell him no we just got over a very similar situation and the end result was a restraining order on our son he spit in my face and threathened his dad who is a vietnam disabiled vet if you do not stop this you will live to regret what you are doing my son is 31 think you only have 4 more years and the **** will hit the fan trust me this is an epidemic with our young adults do not fall for it they are lazy disrespectful and down and out evil the lost generation they are all lost
Reply:I think you should keep on saying no to him. Becouse as you sad yourself if you keep on giving it to him he will just keep asking you beacouse he knows you got the mony.


So say no and make him find his on life (and mony) in this world.
Reply:I think you made a mistake.





The mistake was not saying 'no' earlier.





But, as they say... better late than never.





He's 27 years old. How long should he live from your money? You are NOT helping him by providing his every need. He will not learn to fend for himself if you give him money freely.





This has nothing to do with 'getting on his feet'. This has to do with staying on the couch.








Give children what they need, not what they want. At the moment, what he needs is a reason to get off the couch. If you give him money, you are raising one very lazy individual.





Stop feeling guilty! Tell him you went to the doctor and you had your guilt-glands removed!

















By the way... have you noticed that 27 out of 27 answers say the same thing?
Reply:Honestly you wouldn't be a bad dad if you stopped giving him money.


That just maintains him in an immature state. It's high time he provided for himself and being unable to at 27 may as well be an output of your exagerated attention.
Reply:as a mother and 28 yrs old i dont talk to my mother often and likely when i do i ask for money too, but i always have paid her back and within less than a week, u have done your best and its always hard to tell our children no as we want to care and nurture them always but this is called tuff love and he needs to get a job, just because you have the money doesnt seem to me that you have to give it to him, this will help him in growing up and becoming an adult no more needing mom youve done your best n you would think by now he would have learned let him suffer eventually he will hun dont b down about it just remember ur not a candy shop n no he cant have any he will wine n cry but get over it soon enough.
Reply:Spend money to find him work, After that no need to pay. He should find money by him self. If you give money again, you are doing something bad and giving bad example.
Reply:I think he is using you and at 27 it is time for him to grow up and stand on his own two feet. Do not feel guilt. You have treated him too well over the years and he has not needed to care for himself. Let him stand on hos own two feet. He will benifit from it. Focus on yourself and your relationship and inform your son that there will be no more money. He can't even by you a birthday present or card. He is selfish and needs to wake up to himself
Reply:Sir, what u did is the right thing. Any Loving father would go in depression that his son asking money and i did not gave him. Its ok, I think u have done the best as the father now its the time of the sun to show his best. But to make this happen u both need to explain to each other, if u hide any thing from each other than that will make u seperate. So discuss with him about urs next plan and explain him this even that now its your turn to give me money insted i m giving u.
Reply:Oh sweetie don't feel bad for telling him no, you have given him thing's his his entire life literally. I behind you 100% on this one. I think if he still hasn't learned that he needs to take care of his self, that you can't always get him out of trouble and he needs to step up to the plate and take on some responsibility then you keep on saying no until he gets it. Right now you need him to be there for you. I think that you should sit him down and tell him how you feel about him taking advantage of you like that. If he doesn't like it then tell him you will help him with things as long as he takes on some responsibility.
Reply:Its not wrong what you are doing, your son needs to get a job.
Reply:You're hard on him because you care for him! But he has one hell of a problem! He can't work, unemployed? Did he go toschool? When if he didn't put him there so that he can finally work. If he did, why isn't he working? He should know that he shouldn't depend so much on their parents without thanking them!
Reply:You know that expression "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime"? I think that applies to you. As a parent, the hardest things we can do is let our children fail - remember his first time walking when you had to let him fall so he could learn to pick himself back up? The same principle applies. He knows you are the easy way out, and he will take it at every chance. You have to learn to let go and not give him that chance. It's hard for you, but he'll be the better for it. Let him be mad, but DON'T let him guilt you - he's a grown man and it's time he acted like it. You concentrate on getting on with your life and dealing with your issues - and let him do the same.
Reply:Well I think you are foolish to keep giving him money. He is out on his own living with a girl and should be responsible to start being a man. He is just using you as you probably know, and its about time you just plainly said No More! Is he not able to work? Handicapped? Or even if he was still living at home or a student, or taking a trade etc.etc. Sounds like he is expecting you to take care of him. Those days should be over for you, but you are the one who has to make that decision. It would be different if he is trying, but sounds to me like he is not . What would he do if something happened to you, not that it will but To me he is not even a son, as he does not respect you whatsoever.


He should live his life and let you live yours. Tell him you love him and this has not helped either one of you.He is not doing anything with his life and you are making yourself sick as well as miserable with your partner. So You Decide!


I believe when you finally get enough and say "NO" his attitude will change towards you. It will be tough for a while, but you should not feel guilty.
Reply:Mothers really give unconditional love huh? Your son is 27 years old. You yourself said that he is an ADULT. If you won't say no, when will he learn? Your son will always depend on you if you will give in to his every whim. Don't feel guilty because you are doing this for his OWN GOOD. Although it is easier said than done, try not to think of your son's welfare. I think 27 years of total dependence is more than enough for him to think of his own future ON HIS OWN.


You are doing the right thing. You are doing that because you love him.
Reply:I'm 28 years old, and i've been working full time since I was 22. My parents will still buy me the occaisional thing or give me money if my car is torn up and my husband and i can't afford it, but they've never had to pay my rent, or any of my debts, or any of that. To see a child taking advantage of their parents in such a way breaks my heart.


I really think you've done a lot for him, and he isn't that appreciative. He doesn't even seem to be trying to do for himself, and he needs to face up to life and get a job like everyone else has to.
Reply:You did the right thing. He needed a strong dose of Tough Love.





He will never be able to grow into a self sufficient adult if you are always bailing him out of his problems.





The first few times that you tell him no may be hard for you. Stick to your answer. It will eventually get easier.





This may also help him to appreciate you more.





Good luck and don't be to hard on yourself in your decision.
Reply:you should tell him to get a job even if it's at mcdonald's
Reply:You did the right thing by telling him no. Good for you. It sounds like it took a lot of effort for you to finally say no to him. Part of the reason he's not independent yet is because he's always had you to fall back on. He must be really manipulative to have you feeling so depressed and dreading his phone calls.
Reply:I realize how easy it is for me to say but you've already done more for your son than you should have had to. He has to grow up and stand on his own 2 feet sometime but if you pick him up every time he falls, he'll never do it. You must know, deep down, that you're not really helping him.


Tell him straight out that he needs to get a job because you're not giving him any more money. (I would also tell him that he's a spoiled, immature brat but that's just me).


You're not being hard and you have nothing to feel guilty about. After all, who's going to take care of him when he's 37? 47? 57?
Reply:Tough love has to start somewhere.


Time for your son to take responsibility for his own life and bills.
Reply:To be blunt, it is about time your son does something for a living. He needs to find a career and start making his own. I dont think anybody wants to support their kids until they are 27, not even him. Cut him off. Tell him to start making it for himself.
Reply:How sad. Obviously your help has only helped maintain him in this state of arrested development. It's hard for some parents to quit doing such things because they feel guilty. But really, you're just extending his childhood and he hasn't developed any character or pride. Sorry for you but your son is a loser. Stop coddling a grown man and let him learn to be a man.
Reply:ive seen a similar experince. When that happens you can either give in all the time and have a relationship with your son. Or you can say no, let him sulk for a few months, but eventually hell get over it. Anyhow if i had a lazy son like that who didnt get me a birthday present or sits on his *** all day not working then I would not give him a single dime. because he simply does not deserve it. Hes 27 years old and should be supporting himself.
Reply:well it looks like yiyu are either gay or as Freud said you want sex from your son and you want the girlfriend to join in ...am I right ...am I RIGHT...p.s you poms do not shower .





aussie aussie aussie oi oi oi ...am I ever gonna see ya face again